


For All the Light That I Shut Out

by niccals



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, fetus phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-26 20:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16688305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niccals/pseuds/niccals
Summary: “I haven’t slept in four days” | a 2010!dan dealing with insomnia and depression and seeking comfort from 2010!phil.





	For All the Light That I Shut Out

‘8 AM’ the too-bright digital numbers blared directly into Dan’s eyes. He rolled over, sweat-sticky sheets clasping onto his warm skin and he contemplated throwing the stupid device. He placed a hand over his forehead and groaned audibly. Here marks four days of no sleep! Dan sarcastically thought to himself. By now, his usually straight hair had began curling wildly. He wasn’t trying out a new style, no, he was just too drained to leave his room, let alone spend an hour straightening his messy hair.

To be quite honest, this probably wasn’t the healthiest of lifestyles but what could he do? He’s just some sad kid trying to get by. Dan knows his insomnia isn’t helping whatever’s going on in his head but he just can’t bring himself to care. So what if I’ve stayed up for some 80 hours with a total of six hours of sleep? I’m not gonna die. It’s fine.

Though, it wasn’t exactly “fine” as Dan had convinced himself before. As he wasted away in his prison-like dorm for the fourth time in a row, he realized this was probably not the best course of action for him. He remembered what Phil, the love of his puny little life, had told him as Dan exited the Manchester flat. Stay hydrated! Well, mark that off. Dan’s mouth was drier than the Sahara at this point. Remember to eat! Nope, Dan actually had only eaten a little packet of crackers from beside within his little stay in his bed. Socialise! No hiding! Ha. Haha. Ha.

What Dan needed now was Phil. But Phil was 15 minutes away in an entirely different building. He couldn’t get up. For several reasons. One, he’d tried and he had literally blacked out. Secondly, he felt trapped as if his mattress held him in a death grip. Lastly, he’d have to call a cab and walk and move his arms and honestly that sounded more like climbing Mt. Everest than going to pay a lovely visit to his boyfriend. The best Dan could currently get was the occasional vibration from his phone, knowing that one (if not all) of the messages were from Phil. Phil. Phil asking if he’s okay, like always. 

Mustering up all of his energy, Dan counted to three… five… okay, ten will do. Dan counted to ten, preparing his arm to reach over and snatch his phone from where it laid on the little stand beside him. It was silly if you really thought about it but Dan was pretty proud of himself. He held the phone close to his face, opening it up, and gazing at all of the texts he’d received. 10 messages from Phil, 6 missed calls. 2 messages from Mum.

Instinctively, Dan opened up the text messages from Phil. Most asking if he was okay, others being little quirky stories. The most recent one asking if Dan wanted to come round to Phils. For the first time in a solid week, he swore he felt a little spark of hope deep in his chest, somewhere. It was gone before he could relish in the feeling of something. He swore he was actually a bit hopeful. Unfortunately, that feeling had gone so quickly because his mind shut it down. Dan you fucking idiot! Going to Phils place requires movement and heaven forbid you move your uncooperative body. End of the bloody world, yeah. 

Dan deleted his response of agreement to Phils invitation, dropping his phone back onto the nightstand beside him and throwing an arm over his face so that he was hidden in the crook of his elbow. A few involuntary tears slipped out of his eyes, breath hitching. He rolled onto his side and faced the white brick wall and closed his eyes in an attempt to sleep. The fuckers shot back open though, emitting a sharp pain through his skull. A groan managed to die in his throat.

Dan laid practically lifeless in bed for what felt like minutes, though upon glancing at his clock, had actually been several hours. Time flies when you’re having fun. From then on, Dan had just focused his gaze on different things. He was wallowing in self pity just wishing he could do something, anything. Thanks to his mess of a brain, though, he could only roll around and occasionally sit up if he put all of his energy into it. 

As evening rolled around Dan felt completely gone. He honestly felt as if he was just a body and a brain. Nothing else; no emotions, no will to do anything, no nothing. Just as he was about to attempt to sleep once more, probably to no avail, he heard his phone stream out vibrations, rumbling the wooden surface it was sat on. He rolled over to face away from the wall and stared at the light emitting from the screen and shining throughout his dark and murky room. Sitting up slowly and achingly, Dan reached his weak arm out and swiped his phone off the desk. Incoming call from Phil<3\. On what was probably the final ring Dan tapped the small green circle, watching as the call connected the two before Phil’s voice flooded through the old speakers.

“Dan?” Phil called, worry heavily lacing his voice. Dan managed to respond with a little hum. “Hey… how are you?” He asked.

“I don’t know. Not great.” Dan admitted, his voice raspy from not talking for such an extended period. It could’ve gone a lot worse than just a rough voice considering he had managed to fight off a fit of coughs which surely would’ve drained him even more.

“Yeah? Why?” The boy on the other line questioned, sadness and guilt edging into his voice.

“Dunno.” Dan sighed out.

“Would you like to come ‘round to mine? Or I could come and get you from yours? We can play video games.” Phil dragged out the a of the last word, then taking Dan’s silence as a chance to bribe him with more options. “Or we could watch a movie. Or just lay on the couch or the bed or wherever you want, so long as it’s not on some hard surface that’ll mess up our backs.” 

“I want to.” Dan replied in a quiet voice, barely audible to Phil. Phil formed his mouth around a word to cheer, and instead being interrupted by a loud scratching noise as Dan changed his phones location. “-but I don’t think I can.” He huffed out, voice wobbling a bit at the end.  
“Why not?” The older questioned, obviously disappointed which just made Dan feel even worse.

“Can’t move.” Dan blankly stated.

“What? Are you hurt? Should I-”

“No, Phil. No.” Dan cut him off before Phil could panic. That was the last thing he needed happening.

“Oh.” Phil paused, racking his brain for anything else. “Tired?”

“Something like that.” Dan mumbled.

“Shall I come ‘round to yours then? We can stay there or we can go to my place. I don’t- I just really miss you.” Phil let out a weak laugh that sounded more like a huff.

“Maybe.” Dan responded, stomach growling loudly causing Dan to close his eyes and clench his teeth.

“Well it isn’t a no. I’ll be there in six seconds exactly. Love you!” Phil exclaimed gleefully before hanging up. Dan didn’t bother to turn off his phone. He rolled back over to face the wall, hoping that maybe Phil would be able to pull him out of this slump.

 

A knock on Dan’s door to the beat of the Super Mario theme, a low groan, and the turning of doorknob later, and Phil was in his room. There was silence throughout as Phil approached Dans weak form. 

“Dan?” Phil called to get the boys attention. He sat on the end of the others bed, cocking his head to look at him. Though there wasn’t a visible face, there was another hum. “Dan, hun, you’ve gotta sit up. You’re gonna get a blood clot, love.” Phil lightheartedly scolded Dan, scooting over to the curled up lump on the bed. 

Phil placed his hands gently on the forms shoulders, giving a light pull to inform Dan he was gonna pull him up. Phil barely heard the younger grumbling before Phil hoisted him up, Dan giving little effort to help the process. When he was sat up he immediately hid his face from the older. 

“Let me see your face, pretty please?” Phil coaxed, rubbing Dan’s bony shoulders. Dan sighed and Phil took this as a sign of approval. He used his index and middle finger to lift up Dan’s head from his chin. Upon focusing on the face, Phil knew for sure something was seriously wrong. Firstly, Dan’s eyes were completely bloodshot, hollow, sunken, and held some serious eye bags. His cheekbones were hollowed out, his lips were chapped, his hair was knotty and greasy, and his skin was paler than his own. 

Phil hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath with a hand over his mouth until he watched Dan’s eyes become watery. He let his hand drop from his mouth and onto the youngers shoulders, letting out a deep breath. He did a double take of Dans features and hugged Dan. The boy didn’t have any reaction, sitting still with his arms in his lap. Phil let his cheek rub into the boys bone-defined shoulder, feeling up his far-too-prominent spine. He had managed to pull himself together enough to release the others limp form and looked deep into Dan’s glazed over eyes, taking Dan’s hands gently in his.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re gonna put on some more clothes, we’re gonna go to my flat, you’re gonna have a bath and something to eat, and we’re gonna watch something together. No hiding away again.” The older stated in a firm voice with gentle edges. All Dan could manage was a little nod, feeling his mind begin protesting. This is for the best. For Phil.

 

After helping Dan slip into a large, dark hoodie and sweats, Phil guided Dan out of the building and into a cab. When they finally arrived at Phil’s flat Dan felt absolutely exhausted, despite his only actions being walking and laying his head on Phil’s pudgy shoulder in the backseat of a cab. 

Phil guided a tired Dan into the bathroom of his homely flat, sitting the younger on the toilet lid. He squatted down and turned the tap on to produce warm water and waited for it to fill up. When the water level looked acceptable Phil helped Dan strip and sat him down in the water. Phil sat with Dan for a few minutes, watching as the purple bath bomb he’d thrown in there dissolved in the water. The cozy silence was interrupted by a loud rumble from Dan’s empty stomach which reminded Phil that the younger needed food. 

“I’ll be back.” Phil stood, rubbing Dan’s damp curls before walking towards the door. Dan was only alone for probably four whole seconds before Phil popped back into the doorway. “Pancakes or cereal?”

“...Pancakes?” Dan responded after a few moments of silence and contemplation. Phil gave a thumbs about before trotting away.

Phil had reentered the bathroom just as the water was getting cold and uncomfortable with a sympathetic smile on his lips. He sat on the toilet lid where he’d been before, studying Dan’s hair that was still fairly damp, unwashed.

“Hun, you’ve gotta actually wash your hair.” Phil told Dan in a gentle voice. After Dan’s eyes teared up again, Phil quickly regretted his words. “No- don’t- don’t cry, Dan. Here, I’ll help. Okay?” Phil sputtered out, reaching over to grab a cup and some shampoo. 

Phil washed the last bit of conditioner out of Dan’s hair and helped the younger stand up, wrapping him in a fluffy towel. He guided Dan to the bedroom where he sat him down on the edge of his bright duvet and helped him slip back into his hoodie and boxers with Phil’s socks on his icy feet. After getting the brunet boy dressed, Phil took him by his hand and sat him down on his sofa, continuing to disappear into the kitchen. He reappeared with two plates of pancakes that were messily stacked and looked like they were about to topple over out of Phil’s unsteady hands. 

Phil sat down beside Dan, placing the two plates onto the little coffee table in front of them, barely avoiding dropping them entirely. He pulled a nearby blanket over him and the boy beside him, grabbing the remote and turning on an episode of Sherlock, the volume slightly lower than normal. The duo laid there together, listening to the others breath and heartbeat. Just a little notion to unintentionally let the other one know they’re here. Living. Side by side. 

In the span of a single episode Dan had managed to wedge a smooth leg between Phils, the other one sprawled out in front of him. His hands were both resting on Phil and his head was laid on the olders shoulder once again. Phil glanced down at the younger boy who was yawning and desperately trying to keep his eyelids open, despite it being only seven o’clock. This was a bit out of place as Dan was well known for going to bed super light at night or early in the morning.

“What happened to Dan Night-owl Howell? It’s not 3 AM yet, silly.” Phil lightheartedly teased the sleepy boy that was hugging him like a koala. Dan weakley lifted his head off of Phil’s shoulder and offered him the first smile of the day. Even though it was tiny, almost invisible, it was there and this was progress. 

“Mm… I haven’t slept in four days.” Dan slurred, drunk on tiredness. Phil’s face hardened a bit and Dan instinctively dropped his head back on Phil’s shoulder so he didn’t have to meet Phil’s questioning gaze.

“Like- not at all?” Phil questioned, worry lacing his voice just as it had earlier.

“Nah. I like… passed out ‘n all that.” Dan snuggled closer to Phil’s warm body, not really paying much attention to what was coming out of his mouth. 

“Well that’s not healthy.” Phil said with a slightly shocked tone. Dan just hummed. “Okay, how about we go to an actual bed?” Dan just hummed again. Phil picked Dan up from the sofa with his barely existent muscles, only possible because he was so light, and carried the smaller one into his room. Dan was latched onto Phil like a black bear on a tree with his head buried in Phil’s neck. As they entered Phil’s room, Dan furrowed his eyebrows at the change of lighting, the brightness sending a shock of pain through his skull. Phil quickly laid Dan down on the bed and went back over to switch the light off.

Phil climbed back into the bed where Dan was teetering on the edge of a deep sleep. He laid down under the covers where Dan swiftly wrapped his arms and legs around Phil’s torso, curling up and letting their foreheads rest against each other.

“Goodnight, Dan. I love you loads.” Phil whispered to Dan, not even knowing if he was even still awake or not.

“I love you too, Philly.” Dan responded in an even quieter voice and drifting off into what would end up being a 15 hour slumber.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: @https09


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